When the End Goal is Not Repair or Reconciliation AND That Is Okay

Though repair and reconciliation are often trumpeted as the highest and best outcomes of dispute resolution, other outcomes can also be equally valid and important. In the face of real-world complexity, sometimes the best resolution for parties is getting to a point where they can end further contact. While people seem to accept this in the context of business (i.e., this is not the right provider for me, etc.), in families the stigma can be overwhelming. Can you be a good person if go your own way? Are you a bad person if you insist someone stay? Can there be a GOOD-bye?

In her new book No Contact: Writers on Estrangement, my dear friend Editor Jenny Bartoy has taken on the complex topic of family estrangement from a vantage point so many experience but are often afraid to talk about: When it is actually the RIGHT choice. Through intimate, first-person accounts by 32 contributing writers, the book explores the diverse range of circumstances (abuse, mental illness, addiction, etc.) that can give rise to estrangement, and how the experience (though fraught) can pan out for the good. Find it from your local bookseller here. Or listen to Jenny share more about the book with one of the contributing authors, Hannah Bae, at a recent appearance with on Allison Stewart: All of It, at WNYC Studios.

For me, these stories are a reminder that the “right” answer for families is about more than law or tradition or expectation. It is about something only the parties know: What is right for THEM.