Mediation Mindset

Think About It

Your thoughts can change your experience- and your outcome.

The way parties approach mediation can significantly impact the experience.  Every person is unique, so no universal mindset will work for everyone. But when parties ask me how to increase their odds of having a positive experience, I am happy to offer the following 6 general mediation mind-set tips for consideration:

1.     Set an intention to listen to for understanding- not to respond. See what you can hear that is new and notice how the dynamic can shift when people feel heard. No need to agree to listen well. You will have time respond- allow yourself time to listen.

2.     Approach your issues from a collaborative problem-solving perspective. Mediation is not court. Remind yourself of that. Actively look for ways to treat your co-party as a collaborator rather than adversary (i.e. jointly identify issues, invite feedback on proposals, be responsive in your own proposals to the needs of others, etc.).

3.     Be brave! Ask for what you want/need- with specifics! It is true, the ultimate outcome may not be exactly what you envisioned. But bringing it up will shape both the discussion and how you reflect on it later. Don’t let your own assumption and fears predetermine the outcome. As the saying goes, you miss every shot you don’t take.

4.     Help build a shared understanding of the decision-making parameters. Be prepared to share details about why something matters to you or why something will/won’t work for you. It is easier to reach resolution if everyone understands the context and constraints.

5.     Celebrate compromise. If a compromise is better than the status quo, or other likely outcomes, allow yourself to view that as a victory. Another person’s win can also be yours (even if they are not your favorite person right now!).

6.     Expect time for consideration. Thorough, durable agreements may require time. Expect that you may need to gather information, allow time for review or input from experts or other relevant actors, or do new things over trial periods, before an agreement worth making can be made.

When the End Goal is Not Repair or Reconciliation AND That Is Okay

Though repair and reconciliation are often trumpeted as the highest and best outcomes of dispute resolution, other outcomes can also be equally valid and important. In the face of real-world complexity, sometimes the best resolution for parties is getting to a point where they can end further contact. While people seem to accept this in the context of business (i.e., this is not the right provider for me, etc.), in families the stigma can be overwhelming. Can you be a good person if go your own way? Are you a bad person if you insist someone stay? Can there be a GOOD-bye?

In her new book No Contact: Writers on Estrangement, my dear friend Editor Jenny Bartoy has taken on the complex topic of family estrangement from a vantage point so many experience but are often afraid to talk about: When it is actually the RIGHT choice. Through intimate, first-person accounts by 32 contributing writers, the book explores the diverse range of circumstances (abuse, mental illness, addiction, etc.) that can give rise to estrangement, and how the experience (though fraught) can pan out for the good. Find it from your local bookseller here. Or listen to Jenny share more about the book with one of the contributing authors, Hannah Bae, at a recent appearance with on Allison Stewart: All of It, at WNYC Studios.

For me, these stories are a reminder that the “right” answer for families is about more than law or tradition or expectation. It is about something only the parties know: What is right for THEM.

Cognitive Bias - Tools For When Shortcuts Become Barriers

Our brains are busy! They don’t have time to look at every piece of information as brand new. They have to help us escape that predator or make that deal! To survive (and thrive!) our brains have evolved to quickly employ a range of tricky shortcuts to help us rapidly process diverse information and be ready to roll!

But what happens when our brains end up tricking us instead? Focusing us on information that prevents us from seeing a situation accurately; keeping us solving for the wrong problem; or leading us blithely into false conclusions? This is the world of cognitive bias. For mediators, and anyone trying to unlock conflict, the key to resolution may well rest on how well we are able to spot these brain tricks in ourselves and others - and on how accomplished we are at responding to them!

Much has been written on the subject of cognitive biases by people more expert than me, so I’ll not reinvent the wheel with a long blog post. Instead I will just recommend a couple of my new favorite free resources for ongoing learning and skill-building!

First up, the Cognitive Bias Lab! This is a 100% free interactive and collaborative learning space to explore cognitive biases featuring: short and helpful definitions; real life examples; and online games to practice recognition and coping skills! For those who are up for a little AI playtime, the Cognitive Bias Lab also has a custom GPT “Cognitive Bias Coach” which provides direct conversational coaching.

Second- The Decision Lab! While the Decision Lab is a private business, it offers free access to excellent learning tools under its “Resources” tab, including detailed descriptions of different cognitive biases (with real life examples, layered breakdowns about why a specific bias may pop up and what its impacts may be, etc.), articles (with a behavioral science bent), and their own podcast, The Decision Corner.

I hope you will enjoy these resources as much as I have! Hard to beat free! If you have other free resources you would like to recommend, post them below.

UNCERTAIN BRAIN WITH OVERWHELMING INPUTS